Blueberries! They’re good for you! High in antioxidants! Delicious! Except when they’re made out of “sugar, corn syrup, starch, hydrogenated oil, artificial flavors and artificial food dye blue No. 2 and red No. 40,” as found in a new report.

The investigation, conducted by NaturalNewsTV, reveals the truth staring you in the face from the back of that box of “blueberry” muffins (or bagels, or bread, or scones, or many, many others). The blueberries, simply, aren’t. They’re made of wacky sounding concoctions like “blueberry bits,” which, contrary to their title, are not blueberries. Not even bits of them. Sometimes a product maintains some tenuous connection to blueberry honesty with a “dash of blueberry puree concentrate.” Sometimes there’s just zero trace of blueberries at all.

Fake blueberry-ness is okay in, say, Skittles, or a popsicle. But not muffins in a box adorned with giant photos of blueberries. Next time you hit the grocery aisle, read the back of the package. Or, just buy actual blueberries—if you squeeze them and they don’t burst into a puddle of partially hydrogenated soybean oil and dye, odds are you’re safe. NaturalNews.TV via LA Times

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Nissan’s really improved the GT-R’s launch control function—now dubbed LC4—for 2012. Flip it on and you can slingshot from 0-60 in 2.9 seconds. Let’s hear it for strategic clutch slippage and timing retardation. ToTheFloor.com via NAGTROC

Send an email to Mike Spinelli, the author of this post, at mike@jalopnik.com.

What happens when a truck carrying 40 tons of sand loses control and crashes through an interstate barrier? As frightening as you might think, based on a dashcam from a nearby car. Surprisingly, no one was injured. (Thanks James!) CP24.com

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Lazy Sundays require lazy skiing. Enter the Skizee, which turns the skier into an impromptu snowmobile, courtesy a 10.5 horsepower 4-stroke engine.

From the looks of the video the dude gets up to quite a clip, even while going uphill. And while I doubt a ski resort would allow its patrons to zip around the slopes with one of these things, I can certainly see ski patrols or denizens of the great white north using this contraption to get around town.

Then again, at $2,500 a pop, you might want to just get the whole snowmobile instead. Skizee via OhGizmo

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Bar breathalyzers are ubiquitous these days (and are totally for entertainment purposes only!) but the one from Topland offers something new: An etiquette checker! What that means, at least in Japan, is it checks for bad breath too.

The science behind a device that claims to rate the stink factor of your maw is dubious to say the least, but let’s review what Topland’s promising anywa, just because.

The unit displays six levels of breath detection, and will show you the “score” using one of the smiley face or sad face icons. The one to six scale rates the freshest breath as a “1″ and the stankiest as a “6.”

There’s even a video!

If you’d like one (for novelty purposes, naturally), import one from Japan for about $63. Or just start brushing your teeth for considerably less. Japan Trend Shop via technabob

Send an email to Jack Loftus, the author of this post, at jloftus@gizmodo.com.

Is the torrent for this week’s return of Top Gear not yet done? Then hit the jump for our YouTube open thread to see James May make a rare visit to the test track in the insane Ariel Atom V8.

For the moment we’ve got just this first video. If it goes down, or if you want to watch the rest — feel free to hit the YouTubes and pop a new video in the comments below. That’s where we get the “YouTube Open Thread” we speak of. Enjoy.

Send an email to Ray Wert, the author of this post, at ray@jalopnik.com.

Get a rare peek inside the Smithsonian‘s hidden 217 vehicle collection. Of the 73 cars in the collection, a 1948 Tucker and a 1929 Miller were recently chosen in an online poll to return to public display in the Smithsonian.

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Hyundai’s new ad campaign ahead of the Super Bowl claims the reason we have boring cars is sheepish people keep buying them. We couldn’t help but notice all but one “sheep” car was a Toyota. Subtle, Hyundai, subtle. We like.

Send an email to Matt Hardigree, the author of this post, at matt@jalopnik.com.

Brenda Jensen is speaking again, after ten years using an electronic voicebox, thanks to an ambitious larynx transplant. And before you ask—it’s her own voice, and not that of the larynx donor, even though that would be cool.

Send an email to Max Read, the author of this post, at max@gawker.com.

America’s second-greatest living songwriter celebrated her 65th birthday today, and thanks to the miracles of skilled plastic surgeons Dolly Parton doesn’t look a day over Jan. 19, 1985. (For the sake of comparisons, America’s greatest living songwriter, one Willie Nelson, is only 12 years older.) Parton started writing songs when she was four and has said she tries to write at least one piece of music or lyrics a day, with some 3,000 songs in her lifetime so far, including “Jolene.” When you’re that prolific, not every project’s going to be a hit, but the goal should be to raise the bar over time, the idea behind seanomatopoeia’s comment about Chevy selling a vehicle every 7.4 seconds on average:

Means they sold an average car every 7.4 seconds.

Send an email to Justin Hyde, the author of this post, at justin@jalopnik.com.